The Wedding

As always, I've been a slacker. 

The wedding was last Monday and here is blog post full of selfies. 

I got my butt in this dress! It was a little tight but not terrible, I'm alive to tell the story. 

I'm gonna start at the beginning. I had a connecting flight in Dallas and bad weather caused me to miss it. So, I started this trip off a day behind. Flew in on Saturday and in the first 3 hours of being in Tulsa I managed to find the mall, Target and a liquor store... 

Saturday night we had a bachelorette dinner and I was reunited with this girl!

Marjorie is seriously my favorite funny girl and we picked up right where we left off! I cannot tell you how much we laughed. There were 15 girls at her bachelorette dinner and we had a ton of fun. It was interesting to hear these young girls talk of marriage and even though I am not friendly, I managed to make a couple of friends. 

The next day was a bridal brunch, we got our nails done and then had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. I got to spend the night with Marjorie that night, help her clean and plan. Such good memories.

Car Selfie. Typical. On my way to the bridal brunch. 

Monday was wedding day! Super busy and Marjorie asked me to be her chauffeur. I was so happy and thankful to get to spend that time with her before the wedding.

I was pretty sure I was gonna have to cover this up for the wedding. So, there was a little excitement over not having to do the work of covering it.

It was also a lot of fun to wear dark red lipstick that I wouldn't normally wear. May make it a staple. 

Sent this to Kari and Lonnie. 

Marj and me! I was kneeling next to her because all she could do was just sit and wait. She's so beautiful!

And the Bride and Groom (Marjorie and Jordan). SO SO happy for them!

I am a Nanny.

I keep wondering when self discovery stops. I guess I keep thinking that at some point I will have arrived. Arrived where, I have no idea. And I'm beginning to see and understand that the discovery and learning and reminders never end.

A constant in my life has been children. I started babysitting at 13. In college I moved in with a family that had 3 boys-5, 3, and 5 months. During my time in their home they added another. I watched kids for their bible study groups. My job description was Child Care Coordinator (essentially I was head babysitter). I was hugely involved in the kids ministry at my church in Auburn. I was an "actor" in their family ministry and taught elementary school kids until I moved here to Seattle. I spent all my high school and college summers serving as a camp counselor and kids ministry intern at my home church.
Seattle is no different.
I am one of 4 people on the Kids Ministry Leadership Team and my job is a nanny (3 hysterical kids. B is 3, E is 2, and N is 5 months). 

Kids, to me, are so easy.
You just talk to them. You make them laugh. You pay attention to them. Being a nanny is a lot about predicting the future (I'm sure being a parent is the same and maybe more so). But you get to know this little person and you know what they like, don't like, what makes them lose their mind, what makes them so happy, what will make them too crazy, what calms them. You can read them so easily because all their emotions are written so clearly on their face. And you just pay attention to them. (Granted, I have been around kids for a while, so I've picked up some tips and tricks over the years that I didn't even realize that I'd learned. It almost seems natural that I fell into this job.

So so often though, I forget what a huge blessing they are. And what a huge encouragement. 

I often look at my job and see the boring, the mundane, the same thing day after day after day. 

I say the same things 500 times a day. 

At the end of the day, I both long to talk to an adult and I want complete and utter silence.
I'm exhausted. But when I look back, I can't think of anything that I really did. There is never really any sense of completion. Nothing is ever done, because the next day I'm going to do it all again. I will have the same fights with the kids, answer the same questions, offer the same explanations, change more diapers, make more mac-n-cheese. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. It never ends.
I also don't have all the say in the child's life. I get to spend tons of time with them. Learn them. Walk with them through some of the hardest ages (3...) and then when they get to the easiest, they leave me.

I compare myself to the moms that I nanny for. They have these hugely successful careers. One won an Emmy! The other just got a job promotion that only seven other women in the whole country has. I can't compete with them.

So I question the need, the validity, the worth of what I do. Even who I am, because that's tied to this job in some way, right? 

The last couple of days have offered such a different insight into my life as a nanny. I did change a million diapers today, I did spend the majority of my day explaining to a two year old why you pee in the potty and not your panties, and eventually I did fight with a hilarious, headstrong 3 year old and I answered every single 'why?' question he threw out. But something was different all day. 

I found myself looking for sweet moments. Moments I could remember and mentally save. 

Lauren (sweet friend from church) recently told me that my job is precious. That I'm entrusted with lives at crucial moments. I take for granted the trust they have when they run to me while physically or emotionally hurt. I forget that I have this huge job to teach and train them to be beautiful, responsible, loving people. Will I shape their entire life? No. But my every word and action has the potential to speak truths into their little souls even now at 3, 2, and 5 months.

E has been saying back to me things she hears and it's been such a sweet reminder. 

Last week, on the way to B's it was quiet in the car and then she said,  "I'm worried about you."

Me: "Me? You're worried about me?"

E: "Yes."

Me: "Who said that to you?"

E: "Momma. She said, 'E, I'm worried about you.'"

Quiet again in the car.

E: "Sissa, I'm worried about you."

Me: "Thank you, but I'm ok, you don't have to be worried about me. But thank you."

Then Friday I picked her up so that we could move quickly up the driveway and she said, "Sissa, you're the best."

That same day on the way home, she said, "Sissa, you're terrific!" 

Me: "No! You're terrific!"

And we playfully argued back and forth about who was really terrific. By the end of it, I felt like I may actually be terrific. It was the sweetest. 

The last one and my favorite one. I'm with her this weekend as her parents are in LA. She developed a terrible rash which turned out to be hives. While at the dr's office, I was leaning down helping with her pants and she sweetly said, "You're beautiful." 

I was definitely not beautiful. I hadn't showered while she napped because of her rash and swelling, I wanted to be close to her. My hair was dirty, face oily, clothes rumpled and overall just gross. But she said I was beautiful. It was great to hear someone say that, so much encouragement. But more than that, it reminded me that every word I speak she associates with something. Being intentional with my words around those 3 is so important. 

So, I'm often sad and feel lost and displaced. But today, I am so thankful for the opportunity to love those amazing children well. I am called to this TODAY. 

Here are a couple of sweet pictures with those girlies. Missed the big guy that day while he was at school but I'll get him in a picture soon. 

My big girl, E. 

My little girl, N. 

I'm an AUNT!

I am one whole week late with this post.

Last Sunday my favorite sister in the world gave birth to my first niece!

Meet Miss Marley Ann.
Born September 14th, 5lbs 11oz.

This picture is from our very first meeting. Because I couldn't be there, Megan and Suman FaceTimed with me after she was clean and all checked out. 

This girl ended up staying in the hospital for almost a week as they tried to get her bilirubin levels normal. This is my favorite picture of her in the little glowing box.

A rare moment away from the lights. She either has a headache or ESP. 

This is the first time she wore clothes! Because of the high bilirubin levels, she spent most of her time with only a diaper in the going box. This was the first time they said she could spend the night out of the box and so Megan and Suman got her dressed up. Sadly, the levels didn't hold steady and she went back in the box the next night. 

This sweet girl is home now! 

Sadly, I am having to wait until Thanksgiving to go home for a visit. I have been so shocked over how much I like this kid that I don't even know. Its fascinating to think that she has a little bit of me in her. Like, she might randomly get toes like mine, just because some of our genes are the same (I have weird toes in my family and recently met my mom's aunt for the first time. She has the same exact toes as I do, so, it can happen). I can't wait to see Megan and Suman as parents and my mom and dad love on their first grandchild. 

I'm excited to love her, be friends with her, and spoil her in ways that only an aunt can. 

More pictures to come. 

Lies

I started the 30-day Isagenix program yesterday. Sigh. Its not terrible but it's dieting(I'm sure they'll hate me for calling it a diet). People keep saying its a life style change and after day 2, I'm beginning to see how much truth is in that. There are shakes and clean eating, and cleanse days. Lots of things to keep up with and do and I find myself wondering if I can really do this. I am really good at quitting. I am extremely half-hearted. This doesn't make a good mix for trying a weight loss program. I mean, I have to ask, will this be just another thing to add to the failed list?

Let me back up though. 

On Tuesday I got my box of goodies in the mail. I went through it, planned my food for the next day, did lots of reading and was fairly excited about it all. Until I realized, I was reading nothing about caffeine or coffee. So, I googled it and it took me to some message boards where others on the 30-day program were asking the same question. Over and over people said no. No coffee during this 30-days. I sat stunned. I wanted to cry. That sounds dramatic but it was the truth. I love my morning coffee and if you read my last several posts you'll see that I recently switched to skim milk and I'm still in mourning about that. But more than loving coffee, I need the caffeine in the morning. I can't remember the last day I went without coffee (well, before yesterday I can't). I need the boast. But even more than the love and the boost, I really enjoy my time of quiet reading in the coffee shop before work.  I leave my house an hour and a half early just to beat traffic and have time to sit, drink my coffee and enjoy myself in peace. And now that was coming to an end. 

So, I texted my friend to get some encouragement and it was laughed off, which really hurt my feelings. I wanted to hear "You can do this...Its not the end of the world, just 30 days without coffee...Think of the goal..." I don't know, anything positive pointing me forward, instead of the things that were already making me sad and making me want to turn and run back. Instead, I got, "Those people obviously hate you. Don't listen to them." 

Let me be fair for a minute. I never really said just how sad, disappointed, depressed, and awful I was feeling about all this. I mean, to not be able to fit into a dress because you're too fat! I can make jokes and talk about it but, goodness, there is still some sensitive feelings, serious insecurities and thoughts on it. I never made those known to such an extent. And this is a lot about expectation (which is something I struggle with). I was expecting something but never told what I wanted. How in the world did I think they would just get it right? Also, I'm sure this was a light hearted response to my sadness. So, this is less their fault and far more mine. But remember, I am in a delicate state and none of that sense was going through my mind. 

I waited a minute and then decided the best course of action was to lash out completely irrationally. I kinda blamed them for not being a good friend because not once in over a week had they asked me how any of it was going. I did feel hurt by this, and slightly still do. I don't know how to make people care and to be honest, I'm sure you can't make them. I wanted them to care though. To see that even though this seems small and insignificant in the big picture, it is huge today for me. 

I got back "My bad for loving you as you are instead of trying to mash you into some bullshit ideal society finds acceptable." I was livid to say the least. And hurt. It took me a while to put any sense behind these words and when I did, it made me question why I am on this diet. 

Why am I on this diet? I need to lose the weight to fit into the dress, yes. But I have felt insecure about my weight for a while. Kinda depressed and in lots of ways thinking "well, if I could lose the weight, then I could maybe get married..." That's serious pressure. 

But why can't I be happy with who I am? I don't remember growing up being concerned with this image of my physical body. But out of nowhere, these thoughts of being ugly, fat, gross, unattractive, and disgusting have flooded my mind and heart. I mean, at times its all I hear. Why do I think that losing weight is the answer to any of my "life" problems? Why do I think that losing weight will make me a better person? More beautiful? More desirable? It was something I struggled with before the dress situation also, but as I tried to zip that stupid thing up, I knew then that there was truth behind them. But what kind of truth? Truth like, "it is true that the dress won't fit?" Or truth like, "see, you are fat and ugly. This dress is the proof."It's taken me a couple of days to really know and believe in my heart that the truth is just simply that the dress doesn't fit. I'm not saying I'm beautiful or attractive, anything but that dress not zipping is really only one truth. 

It's all scary. 

So, I'm still working through it all. Yes, I am still on the 30-day program. I will be for 28 more days and will continue some of it even after to help make sure the weight stays off until the wedding. But I think my motives have changed some in the way I think about weight loss. 

Has it changed 100%? NO. I know that will take time and prayer. 

And have the insecurities, voices telling me the harmful messages stopped? Also, no. I still hear them but I also know where they're coming from. Again, more prayer, lots more prayer involved. 

And my friend...we talked some the next day but I still feel like there is a lack of caring there which is probably really cruel of me. And I know that's selfish, too. Again, expectations that are too much for anyone to live up to.  Like I said earlier, it feels like such a private, embarrassing, personal struggle and so I want people behind me who I can comfortably talk to about it. I'm working it all out. And anxious to finish these 30 days and see how I've succeeded and what I learned. 

Lots and lots of learning to do. 

3 Years

Monday I celebrated 3 years in Seattle. The time has flown by, it hardly seems like 3 years. I deliberately didn't write a post then, wanting to stay off Instagram and my blog. I'm struggling with living in the moment, so I put it all away. 

Kari is in a different country, Lonnie is road tripping with Halie, so it was just me and Dan. It was also Labor Day so we took a quick trip to Snoqualmie Falls. I've never been before and it was beautiful. 

It's one of those places that photos fail to do justice. 

The trip was good for me if for no other reason but to drive out of the city and see the mountains and hills, trees and sky. 

Hopefully there will be many more years here. 

The Weekend

Day 3

Dear Diet Diary,

How do you keep a diet on the weekend? I ask that question in total seriousness. With work there's a schedule. I know when my chance to eat will be and there is less chance that I'll have bad snacks because I'm not at my own house with my own junk food. But here, at my house, all I want to do is eat! I want the perogies and ice cream in the freezer and the cookies in the cabinet, I want the coke that's sitting on the counter and the chocolate on the shelf. And Cheez-Its. I want all the Cheez-Its...I need to stop.

To get serious for a minute, dieting is hard. I know that anyone reading this already knows that but to really have to fight the cravings is tough and I find myself thinking that I have plenty of time to lose and I can afford to be a slacker one day. I think more than the physical challenge, losing weight is a mental challenge. It's all about fighting my brain and how it's telling me that I need those snacks, those fries, the candy, the meatball, the bite of pasta or just a piece of a cookie. I'm making light of it but its a weird feeling.  I feel bad about wanting to eat because there's this huge feeling now of being fat and wanting to eat what I want makes me feel terrible. And hearing people talk about their own weight loss journey or journey to being healthier also makes me a little sad. Its a reminder that I am too lackadaisical and makes me think this is just another thing to fail at (though, there is literally no room for failure in that dress).

I'm sorry I'm so whiny.

All that to say, this weekend has not been good for any weight loss. I won't go into the details of what I ate because nothing was good. Well, it was all good. It was amazing, but not the right choices on a diet. I did eat well this morning and have kept drinking water, which I was proud of. But meet the ruiner of all diets...

Olive Garden. I ate maybe 5 bites of this because of the bread and salad and cheese dip that I ate first. Shame. 

SIDE NOTE:

All this weekend festivities are not a normal thing. Halie has been visiting this summer and is leaving tomorrow to go back to Alabama. We've had a mini goodbye tour. 

Sabotage

Day 2

Dear Diet Diary, 

This day.... 

Breakfast:

• Plain oatmeal with honey: I got up late but decided to eat this while still at home. This was a mistake. As I said yesterday, I don't do so well eating really early in the morning. I bought plain, original oatmeal to save the calories and sugar intake and thought I could spice it up with some local honey. It wasn't good. I ended up force feeding myself. This is probably not what you're supposed to do. And the saddest part-I know that I will eat it again tomorrow. 
• Banana: today was the best day for this banana. Not too green, not squishy yet. Just perfect.SKINNY mocha: Once again I paid for the steamed water. It still tasted bad and I still sipped slowly, listening to everyone order their drinks with the fat. I was jealous and judgmental at the same time. I hate this skinny mocha. 

When I walked into the Hawley's home they were having a breakfast like I've never seen before. Sausage, bacon, waffles with huckleberry syrup, eggs, whole milk, and coffee. They hate me. They were like, "look at all this good we have left!...Oh I'm so full...Goodness, this was good..." I dreamed of what it would be like to flip the table. Alas, it's too heavy though. 

Ben's grandmother began cleaning the table and so I sat down, comfortable now that the food was leaving. However, this was left sitting in front of me. 

A plate of sausage. I now know they are trying to sabotage me. 

Lunch:

• 1 cup Honey Nut Cheerios with half a cup 1% milk. I still have no idea if this is a good diet food. My stomach still says no. Ben used his own spoon to eat my cereal during lunch. He had sweet potato tater tots, a meatball and Mac-n-cheese. A feast. It took everything in me not to knock him off his chair. 
• 1 cup of carrots with 2 Tbsp of hummus. 

As we are lunch Ben asked if we could go to Barnes & Noble after nap to get dessert. He reminded me, "Sissa, you can get a cheesecake." Yes, Ben, thank you for the reminder that I can't eat cheesecake right now when that's all I want to do. Sabotage from a 3 year old. 
But because that guy has totally got me, I agreed to take him to Barnes & Noble and he ate his shortbread cookies and drank his apple juice, I just sat and stared. It was a sweet time of conversation until I looked down and read this:

Why do they hate me? Of course I want to take advantage of this deal, B&N. And this dark chocolate raspberry is exactly what I want!! Just like you wanted all your bake cases busted. How do you like glass all over the floor after I threw a chair through? Not so fun, huh. Sabotage.
After Ben and I returned for B&N, his grandmother was on the phone asking her boyfriend if he was going to eat Spaghetti. I'm so glad that I ate such a good filling lunch because the mention of something like spaghetti could really make me sad if I hadn't. The cereal and carrots really hit the spot.
Said no one ever. Well done, Taytah. Sabotage.


Dinner:

• Japonessa. Japonessa is an amazing sushi restuarant downtown and we hit Happy Hour tonight as to say goodbye to Halie who heads back to Alabama on Sunday morning. I definitely cheated on this diet. Lets just leave it at that.  I allowed myself a glass of wine with dinner and had lots of stuff that I shouldn't. But Halie is leaving for Alabama on Sunday...how could I not eat myself into a mild depression on this night. 

Snacks:

• Apple. It makes me livid to think of the amount of mealy apples I've eaten this week. LIVID. Am I incapable of choosing a good apple?! I'm sure its Thriftway, they did this to me on purpose. Once again, sabotage. 
• Carrots, again. I actually forgot to take an afternoon snack so I had to snack on carrots again. Its time to make a grocery run. 

Drinks:

• Water. Today I managed to drink 3 full water bottles.  I have no idea how many ounces that is, I should figure it out. And I had 2 glasses of water with dinner so hopefully I am on the right track. 
• Glass of red wine at Japonessa. 
• Rum and Coke at The Little Red Hen. This is the exact type of drink that I was told to stay away from but I got it anyway. SHAME. It was crazy sweet and I wasn't really in the mood for it. Kind of a waste of calories. 

Well, I guess that's it. It's crazy late here and I feel myself getting delirious. 

So, 6 weeks and 2 days...

Dear Diet Diary

DAY 1

Kari told me this morning that it may be helpful in this weight loss journey to keep a food journal. I'm so excited about it. I think this journal (blog) will be good not just for my physical health but also for my mindset as I do without all the foods and drinks that I love.
Like, coke (meaning any carbonated beverage-I'm southern, remember), whole milk in my mocha, or half & half in drip, and beer, cocktails. And white rice. White rice in my Chipotle bowl, white rice with my pumpkin curry, white rice with my butter chicken, butter naan (I could sob right now), chicken salad sandwiches, ranch dressing, fries, fried chicken fingers, just anything and everything fried. Ice cream, cupcakes (frosting...), yogurt, chips, doughnuts, pasta, bagels, sour cream...

Too many.
I guess truthfully it's not about cutting them out, it's about moderation, having some self-control when I do eat them. So, yeah, just completely cutting them out. 

Here's what my day has looked like so far:

Breakfast:(this is my hardest eating time. I'm not hungry when I first wake up and tend to feel sick if I eat really early. When I hungry, about 1 to 2 hours later, I'm at work and it's harder to fix breakfast.)

• Banana 
• 12oz SKINNY mocha. This one actually makes me want to weep. Yesterday when I ordered it, the barista spilled it all over his hands because the milk is practically water. I let them steam water for me and then I pay for it. Pay $4.54 for it. And I sit and read and try to pretend like life is good and I love the cup of coffee that I'm not sipping. 

Lunch: 

• 1 cup of Honey Nut Cheerios with 1/2 cup 1% milk. I literally couldn't make myself buy the skim. I can get water from the tap for free.
• 2 eggs. Have I said that I have no idea what I'm doing on this diet. No idea. 
• 1Tbsp hummus with a cup of carrots. I mean, is this too much for lunch while dieting? My stomach doesn't think so but my stomach is the thing that got me into this mess. 

Dinner: 

• Half of a Chipotle bowl-I had black beans, chicken, mild salsa, cheese, guacamole, and lettuce. And I pushed over the drink machine as I walked out because I was so pissed about not getting to get a coke and bag of chips. Not really, though. Goodness, I wish I had done that. (I ate the other half of this bowl the night before)

Snacks:

• Apple. IT WAS F-ING MEALY!! What a waste of a snack! I almost took it back to Thriftway and threw it through their window. AHHHHHH!
• 1 cup of grapes. Red grapes, of course, and these did not disappoint. But goodness, 1 cup is a tease. Calm down, stomach, calm down. 
• 1 bite of chocolate, chocolate chip ice cream. I walked into the living room with the pint and declared to Dan and Lonnie that I would eat 5 bites and be done. Dan said, "Ok, yeah eat 5 bites, thats only like 300 calories." I fought but I think he may be right. 1/2 cup is 300 calories. So, I went back to the kitchen, opened the container, ate 1 bite and then put it away. I want to punch Dan right now. 

Drinks:

• Water. I can barely type because of all of the tears that are on the keyboard of my computer. I'm sure it will short circuit. But crying is good, right? Loosing water is loosing weight, right? 

And there's only 6 weeks and 3 days left. 

Bridesmaids Dress = Diet

My sweet friend Marjorie asked me to be in her wedding in October.  I love Marjorie and I'm so excited for her so, of course, I said yes. Being a bridesmaid is nothing new for me, this will be my 8th wedding. And so when she posted the details of the dress, I procrastinated, then had to pay a million more dollars to have it rushed to me.  Yesterday I came home and there was the package on my bed.  I tore it open, pulled the dress from the plastic and slipped it on.

And it will not zip.

 

Will not zip.

In the first picture I am holding the dress tight with my arms to make it look like it fits correctly. The second is, obviously, the problem. I clearly have no shame if I'm posting this for anyone/everyone to read. But in my defense, it will get much closer to closing than it looks in this picture, I just didn't have an army of people pulling the two sides together.

There is a high possibility that I gained weight. Because of the ordering, I don't have enough time to send it back for a new dress. The only solution to this problem is to diet. I mean, diet in a hard way too. There will be no room for cheat days. I have about 7 weeks to get 100 pounds off.

Thankfully, I have sweet friends who have committed to encouraging me and helping me.  I'm only drinking water throughout the day. However, I can't give up my morning Ladro time and coffee so, I've had to change my drink to a skinny mocha. Skinny. With skim milk. And I have to eat much better. I won't lie, I've needed to lose these pounds for a while but I've been lazy and lacked the motivation. Now that teeny tiny dress hanging where I can see it everyday is the best motivation I'll get.

So, here's to skinny mochas and fitting in my bridesmaids dress...

Friends

I'm all over the place with this new blog.

I found out the other day that my best friend was chosen as a finalist for The Southern Humanities Review poetry contest and will be published in an issue in the near future. I don't know as much about poetry as I should and I don't know much about poetry contests or the pressure but I do understand that this is not something small. This contest was nation-wide. Not just the state of Alabama or even Auburn University, but the ENTIRE country. Southern Humanities Review has featured some of the best poets of the last 50 years. Again, this isn't a little feat. 

I'm so proud of him. So proud. He's super talented and over the last year, his writing has grown and matured. He's found his "voice" and his tone and style are so beautiful. I'm jealous. He's working hard between a full-time job and a full-time school schedule and yet still challenging himself to write and pursue this goal. It's exciting to see that he's starting his career and his life.

Richard is a good friend besides being a great writer. He's loyal and kind. He's also one of the first people I want to share things with because he's quick to listen and super slow to pass judgment.

If you read my last post, you can now understand more as to why I feel like I'm too boring to be called his friend. I'm raving and gushing about him because I'm finding myself getting destructive. He's not a friend I want to lose but I find too often this desire to push back. Be mean. Make him angry so that he'll get mad, then just go ahead and be done with me. I start fights over the smallest things and I always wonder will he fight for my friendship? Does he care? Over and over in my head I hear loudly, "You aren't worth fighting for...you have nothing to offer...you are not interesting or important." I can easily say that these are lies but hearing the truth over them is next to impossible. I'm also being a martyr, owning the hateful words and wearing them, hiding behind them and possibly becoming them. 

I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to hurt people in order to feel validated. Forever ago I started reading Psalms and as I did, I kept up with God's promises, who the Word said that God was, and who the Word says I am. For some reason I stopped. I've learned lately that everything else will stay louder as long as I allow it. I want to hear truth and though I do have friends that constantly speak it to me, I need to hear it from the Lord. I also need to make things right with my friend. I apologize but I am sure that small tears are made with each fight and patience and love gets thinner and thinner. 

So, if anything is coming from these blog posts, its that I am typing myself to the truth that is already planted in my heart.  

Here's Richard. Now you know him. 

What do you think about dating?

My roommate, Lonnie, was out of town for a couple of weeks and so last night we got to go to dinner together and finally catch up. It was really good. There have been lots of changes in our house recently and so to sit and talk with her felt like home. It was really comfortable and made me realize just how much her friendship means to me right now. 

While talking though, she asked me, "what do you think about dating?" I tried to make light of the question but it struck so deeply. I felt myself having to fight tears and work to keep my voice and tone normal, keep my eyes averted away from her face, and shut down feeling. It's been something that's come up in my thoughts and prayers lately a lot. But talking about it out loud, I felt bitter and angry. 

I've found myself afraid of dating and marriage lately. Like, really afraid. There are too many variables in marriage. You CANNOT control this person and yet what they do directly affects you. They can do whatever they want. You can love, wait, pray, hope, share and they may withhold, look elsewhere, find hope in other things, etc. Again, I see too many variables. BUT. I find in myself a huge desire to experience that exact thing. I want to love someone. I want to give myself to them completely, share everything with them, begin a life with them, put hope in them, pray for them, and be thankful for them. 

Why? 

The answer is that I see it as a completion of myself. I've struggled lately with self-worth (which is part of the reason I started this blog). I see very little that endears me to my own self and so I don't know what could make me endearing to others. I'm "waiting" on this man I'm supposed to marry and yet 28 years have gone by and he's not shown up. So, I question, is this really worth waiting for? I'm not worth waiting for, so why wait myself. It's found its way into every aspect of my life, too. 

My best friend came to visit in July and when he left it was really hard. We had a great visit, 10 whole days of just hanging out. Lots of time in the car talking and laughing and seeing beautiful Washington. 

But he left. 

I've always struggled with our friendship and talked to several people about it. I've never understood why he wanted to be my friend and after he left this time, I questioned it more than ever. He is an amazing writer and in his last year of school, embarking on the start of a writing career. He is smart and funny and hardworking. And he has this really amazing network of people in Alabama who are also great writers, funny, beautiful, charming, smart and they really love him. I don't know how I fit into his life being so far away. I look at him as one of the most interesting things about myself and so I wonder, if I am this way with a man who looks at me as just a mere friend, I cannot imagine the place that I will put someone who actually loves me and wants to spend time with me. I don't want the best, most interesting thing about myself to be someone else. 

I told Lonnie all of this with a broken voice and teary eyes. 

As I'm sitting in fear that makes me depressed and lonely, sad, overwhelmed, and lost, I keep wondering if maybe the Lord forgot me. Thats a stupid, selfish thing to think. But I keep hearing that I deserve something great, to be happy. And yet, no one is asking me out. No one is showing interest. And so I cry. And I allow myself to wallow, getting deeper into this lie that its all about me. 

I was able to finish this topic with Lonnie last night by remembering that only the Lord makes whole.  I told her my answer-I think when the Lord is the most important thing in my life, dating can happen. Until then, I search for Jesus. The arms of a man are warm and it would make me happy to find some that fit nicely, but I want to be a whole girl throughout it. It may be a while before I'm totally fine with my singleness and have really accepted it. But meanwhile, I will continue to seek that fulfillment in Jesus. Asking daily to be filled with His truth. This wasn't the easiest post to write for me, (Casey is following me now and so I know at least one person I know will read it) but its kinda nice to get off my chest some of those fears.

*Also, on a side note, I just went to the bathroom earlier and put on lipstick. It's 12:50am, and I'm sitting in a completely black room with bright red lipstick on. It's not even mine. 

2 Years, 11 Months, 16 Days

I'm not exactly sure what I want out of this blog.  It seemed cheap to open a word document and start typing thoughts, feelings, struggles.  I should have my moleskin out to allow the release.  Lately, the pen has me feeling lost.  I feel like I barely find the strength and courage to start writing and when I do, the words are never right. I sound desperate (as I probably do here), sad, pathetically musing and whining over the same circumstances, over life.  It seems heavy and pressure laden. I'm sure the pen has expectations. So, I laid it down for now.

For the last 2 years, 11 months, 16 days I have lived in Seattle.  I moved here from Alabama. People often ask if it was culture shock. I say yes because I think that's what I'm supposed to say, but I've just drifted here, getting through the days. With the 3 year mark looming, I find myself sitting back, thinking and wondering if I've accomplished anything while here.

Have I made a difference (in ANY way)?
Have I truly blessed people?
Encouraged them?
Loved well?
Made the most of my time?
Have I allowed myself to be changed?
Stretched?
Built up?
Challenged?
Am I a better person?
When I ask those questions, even as I typed them, I didn't hear any yeses.  I heard loud, definite, resounding NO's.  If there was ever something to be certain about, it was that answer. But in hindsight I see so often that I am believing stupid lies about myself and others. Is this a lie?

So, I want to use this space to find the truth. To tell the stories of my life and figure out who I am. I don't want the answer to those questions to be no, I don't want to ever have to wonder. So often I see strong evidences of grace (as my pastors wife says) in the lives of others and so I will seek it in my own life.


"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." 
— C.S. Lewis