Getting friendly

26. I find his love of my family to be so endearing. It will hopefully never get old.

Gaining a month

25. Kurt and I went to Deception Pass on the way home from the island and there we decided that our new start date was August 20th. So, I gained an official month with him. I think the reason this means so much to me is because I look back and see the road to get to where we are now. I liked him for so long and was always aware that he wasn't sure because of the timing. And then he left, twice. There have been times that I look back and wonder what the draw was at that time, why put myself into a situation where there was so much possibility of disappointment but I can't say that I would ever do it differently. Daily, I feel lucky. Daily, I feel so thankful.

 He's asking my why I didn't tell him he would need his jacket on the windy bridge. 

I've found it hard lately to want pictures of myself to be taken and especially hard to look at them later. I don't love what I see here and that bothers me more. Kurt asked me if I wanted my picture taken and though I really wanted to say no, I said yes. I want to move away from who I think I should look like and see who I really am. 

Favorite.

Opportunities

24. Steve invited everyone out to the Distillery's photo shoot location which was just perfect. I made the mistake of saying that Kurt and I would leave because I felt uncomfortable there in the moment. I really regretted it almost immediately but I'm able to look back now and see that it was a learning experience. It was nice to be in such a beautiful place with Kurt and the kids. I'm mad that I didn't ask Steve to snap a picture of me and Kurt while there.

New

22. Girl Meets Dirt. B actually tried new food and didn't whine and complain the whole time.

23. This time Kurt looked for during the week to show the kids his Nintendo Switch. He also took the time before leaving to see if there was a game that he and Ben could play together. 

Fun

20. The kids and I escaped the house each day and explored the island. Though I felt some pressure and anxiety at times to keep things smooth and quiet while parents worked, I tried to keep the week full of new experiences.

             

 Bakery and playground.

 First time in a hammock right next to nature. 

21. This was by far the best thing we did while on the island. We toured a farm and the kids got to actually partake in farm work. I think the reason I loved this so much was because being away from town and coffee shops with just animals and room to run made me think of home. 

Orcas Island

20. Last week Kurt and I went with the family to Orcas Island for spring break. Just this beautiful place alone is something to be so thankful for.

Friendship

19. I've struggled a bit lately with a friendship. Through that struggle it's became more and more clear that Kurt is a great friend (and super funny).

Minecraft

18. Weeks ago B put this Minecraft book on hold at his school library. It finally came in and instead of playing on the playground, he sat me down and told me all about it. It was impossible to not be excited with him. 

Warm Fuzzies

Both of these are about Kurt. 

16. Yesterday several of us went to Megan's to help set up the new baby bed and move her furniture around. I had to leave to go get my hair cut and when I came back I found out that Kurt had spent the afternoon outside with Marley. He said they played on the swings and the trampoline and she ordered him about, he followed her but mainly, he gave her the opportunity to play outside. 

I think there is always this romantic idea of men taking care of kids. And I get it. But more than anything, knowing that Kurt took care of my family made me love him more. It's playing with Marley, building Oliver's baby bed and helping Megan do housework that give me the warm fuzzies. I find his desire to know more about kids and how to take care of them so endearing. 

17. This one is about the hair cut. I took a bit of a risk and cut my bangs. I felt nervous, especially for Kurt's reaction. 

He continues to blow me away. 

He has made clear not only that he likes them, but that they look nice on me. I find compliments hard to accept, it's been a new development for me. It makes me sad that I can't see myself the way others see me. Hearing the compliments show me more than ever that I don't see good in myself. At first I wrote "Receiving the compliments..." but am I really receiving them? No. I'm only hearing them. I'm working to actually receive and accept his compliments, to try to see myself the way he does. 

Taken day of the bang cut. 

"Thing"

15. Kurt and I have decided that on Sunday's we'll make fried pickles.

I love the idea that we have a "thing." I love that he wants to have a one with me.

S-Town

14. S-Town

On Tuesday a new podcast came out called S-Town. The details of it don't really matter but I wanted to listen to it because it takes place in rural Alabama. Upon listening I found out it takes place in Bibb County... I binged listened with Moo and finished in one day. At the end I felt lost. I've spent the last 4 days struggling with the feelings that came up after listening. I looked up the subreddit for S-Town and found someone who perfectly captured my feelings. I want to share them here.

"Lived my whole life in the Deep South, though I live abroad now. The accents, the colloquialisms, the "fuck it" attitude coupled immediately with the super secretive eyebrow-waggling, I-can't-say-it-out-loud attitude, the oppression, the unfairness, the enigma of coupling abusive child-molesting fathers in the same category as not being able to buy a beer with the expired license, the drawls and the brawls and down-low meetings of men with "sugar in their tank" at rest-stops on lonely forested highways, the uncle with a bullet in his head that echoes everything said, the bending and breaking of rules, the camaraderie between police and low-lifes, the stray dogs, the ones who dump stray dogs, the ones who save stray dogs, the grandmas taking care of generations of family sleeping in their living rooms, the teenage pregnancies, the assumptions of others and defense of your own blatant sins, the baptist message at an atheist's funeral... I honestly don't think a more vivid and perfectly realistic picture of the rural Deep South could ever be painted. What an enigma and mystery this land is.

For the first time in a long time, I pined for Mississippi. For the land of contradiction. The most segregated *and* integrated place in America. The religious and the heathen cavort together in the same skin countless times between Sunday morning church and Wednesday night service. The ignorance and the brilliance, the coldness and the warmth, the suspicion and the welcome, intersecting like Highway 49 and Highway 61, where you can sell your soul to Satan in the shadow of a dozen churches.

Man, this podcast got in my bones. It devastated and amused and befuddled and extrapolated.

I have never felt so certain of my home and so repulsed by it. I have never felt as lost or as found. The decaying, decrepit Shit Towns of the South may be fading away, but they burn as vivid as they ever have.

I can't say enough about how this made me feel. Perfect, confusing, disturbing, authentic, and complex look at life in the rural Deep South.

I hate it with all my heart and love it with all my heart, all at the same time."

I wanted to add this to this list of things I'm thankful for because it reminded me to be thankful for and see value in where I come from.

Spring

13. Spring is here.
More sunshine, more time outside and way more flowers.

 B at baseball practice.

N.

One of my favorite bush/trees. I should learn the name. 

Eating dinner outside even though it was a little blustery.