B

The last week with the kids has been hard. After 3 weeks of extra evenings and nights, I felt exhausted. I also feel like I'd hit a wall with how to "parent" B. He doesn't listen, has a bad attitude, lashes out, and demands constantly. There are times when we're together that I feel such love for him and I find his quick smile and sweet spirit so endearing. But more often than not, I'm annoyed with his questions, his incessant talk, and constant bossing. So annoyed that I miss the sweet moments with him. Like Saturday when we went to the hot tub while N napped. It was only like 10 minutes but we had good conversation and I guess allowed me to just look at him.

12.  This is just a moment from when I stepped out to make sure N was still asleep.

I love B so much and the last thing I want to do is crush him with expectation. I want to see him grow to be a good self-starter, I want him to learn to listen without having to be preached out all day and more than anything, I don't want to find his voice and presence annoying because I have put the weight on myself to MAKE him do things.
That Saturday morning I opened my hand a little.
There were a couple of times I still had to walk away just to make sure that I was still be loving and calm but I laid out the expectations that I had, made them clear and left him alone. What I found was him sitting at the table eating snack, just like I wanted him to do. I spent those 5 minutes he was in his room pouting and being mad worried that he would hold out and not come eat, but he did. I realize that as I begin to be better with him, he will begin to be better for me. There are lots of hard times ahead, I have already convinced myself that with this new way there will be more crying and yelling until he realizes what he needs to do and how to do it. I keep telling myself "love him" and that's my goal this week.
Hug him more.
Talk to him more.
Listen to him more.

Forms of love

11. Sunday I went to the Sounders game with Kurt. He knows that sports aren't my thing but he still asks me to go, gives me an out if I need it, and then tells me that he's happy it's me that he's there with.
I always say yes. Not because I have to, but because I really want to.

Sunshine is so rare in Seattle we left the house completely unprepared and spent the game fearing a burn. 

12. After the game I made fried pickles. I felt a lot nervous to make them because they're one of Kurt's favorite things. Seemed daunting and something to be easily disappointed in. But, I took my time and he said they were great. **Side note: I love that little plate**

I think the one thing I am consistently shocked about when it comes to this relationship is how much I want to make him happy. There is this fear in me that I am the only one working but over and over again, he does something that reminds me that that couldn't be further from the truth. 

**Note to future Melissa: always check your journal**

Gifts

10. For Christmas the Hawley's gave me tickets to listen to the two producers of the Serial podcast last night. So good.
Kurt went with me and we challenged ourselves to get out of our comfort zones which he did and I sat and listened.

Holiday sweets

 9. I'm learning that more and more I enjoy sharing little moments with them. St. Patrick's Day at Krispy Kreme.

Surprises

This post is one week late. 

7. Sometimes I'm surprised we share the same blood. 

8. Emily, Megan and I successfully made deviled eggs. On the second try. 

So proud!

6. Today Kurt got his acceptance letter to UW's Entrepreneurship program. Out of all the applicants, his cohort will be a small group of just 20-25. I'm so so proud of him. I can't help but think that whether he takes this path or not, this is a huge accomplishment and worth celebrating.

Kurt

I'm finding in moments of Kurt's kindness a desire to cry. I thought it was because I was overwhelmed by his goodness to me but today I felt it differently. I still see how good and thoughtful he is but my desire to cry came from feeling like I didn't deserve him and his love. I think there is a part of me that knows that to be a lie but something whispers in just the right way to make me doubt myself.
I'm not foolish enough to believe that I deserve anything but my goal with Kurt is to daily love him the way I want to be loved, with affection, kindness and thoughtfulness. I've also hidden 12 Reese peanut butter eggs in his stuff and I'm just waiting for him to find them. As he does, I will add more to different areas so he's constantly finding them. Speaking his love language.

Miracles

5. Quiet.
The kids are in the bathtub and not screaming or fighting.

I'm the lucky one.

3. Yesterday Kurt said some of the kindest things that have ever been said to me. It's hard to imagine not remembering those words but sometimes I focus so much on the fear of potential hurt and absence that I forget to find joy in the tiny moments he gives me. The exact words are a little too personal (check your journal, future Melissa!) but he is such a good man.

4. Today as I was doing laundry I found some of Kurt's stuff and it made me smile. I'm guessing that one day I won't feel so thankful and happy while doing his laundry. Almost 6 months in, I still am.

2. Appreciated

2. Today Danielle sent me this text. Her words always mean a lot to me. Another reminder of how lucky I am to be in this family. Even on days when I'm tired and it's hard.

For me.

I've neglected this blog for 2 years.

I realize that I'm the only person checking it and I'm ok with that. It feels therapeutic to "share my life." I've found myself so frustrated and very much disillusioned with Facebook and Instagram. Maybe frustrated because I don't feel like I'm getting as many likes as I think my post deserves. It's silly to be looking for worth in a world that I've spent too much time just faking a picture for. My life isn't perfect or easy but it's also not terrible or overly hard. It's quiet but busy, loving but overwhelming. How do you share that? How do you find beauty when more often you see the burdens as bigger? Now more than ever I want to stop and experience those simple moments that cause happiness or even sadness. I want to live lovingly and not behind a facade.

I guess all in all, I want to celebrate the little things but don't want to post them on social media and seek the love and affirmation of others. This space is created for me. For me to look back and see how beautiful this life I live is.
I begin to name again.

1. New books.
I started Little Men today and I'm already smitten.