Christmas morning

29. today is my very first Christmas morning on my own. My parents are in Alabama but coming to visit in a couple of weeks, Megan, Suman and the kids stayed in Seattle also, and Kurt traveled to Alabama to be with his family.

There is a mix of emotions as the morning has gone by.

Sometimes there is sadness when I think of Kurt, I look forward to the days of being able to start traditions with him. And sadness when I think of my parents, I know this Christmas with us not being there has been hard and I do miss them.

But it's been nice to be on my own and have this time to feel like this is my life. It's been quiet (except for the smoke alarm going off at 8am because I can't cook bacon).

It also snowed yesterday and when I woke up this morning it had started again so this is my very first white christmas. It so beautiful and calm.

I want to remember all the good about this Christmas. There is a part of me that hopes it'll be different next year but who knows. I'm thankful I was able to have this Christmas to myself.

Moo's house yesterday evening. 

This guy has the strongest lounging game. 

M decorating her cookies for Santa. 

My little apartment this morning. Office Christmas episodes while I cooked, breakfast on the stove and that sweet little tree made this morning so warm (even if the window was open so I could air the place out).

Can't beat this view... but seriously, SNOW!

Favorite things

28. So many favorite things in one picture.

Clean

27. The sound of the wind. I'm reminded of things being clean.

Getting friendly

26. I find his love of my family to be so endearing. It will hopefully never get old.

Gaining a month

25. Kurt and I went to Deception Pass on the way home from the island and there we decided that our new start date was August 20th. So, I gained an official month with him. I think the reason this means so much to me is because I look back and see the road to get to where we are now. I liked him for so long and was always aware that he wasn't sure because of the timing. And then he left, twice. There have been times that I look back and wonder what the draw was at that time, why put myself into a situation where there was so much possibility of disappointment but I can't say that I would ever do it differently. Daily, I feel lucky. Daily, I feel so thankful.

 He's asking my why I didn't tell him he would need his jacket on the windy bridge. 

I've found it hard lately to want pictures of myself to be taken and especially hard to look at them later. I don't love what I see here and that bothers me more. Kurt asked me if I wanted my picture taken and though I really wanted to say no, I said yes. I want to move away from who I think I should look like and see who I really am. 

Favorite.

Opportunities

24. Steve invited everyone out to the Distillery's photo shoot location which was just perfect. I made the mistake of saying that Kurt and I would leave because I felt uncomfortable there in the moment. I really regretted it almost immediately but I'm able to look back now and see that it was a learning experience. It was nice to be in such a beautiful place with Kurt and the kids. I'm mad that I didn't ask Steve to snap a picture of me and Kurt while there.

New

22. Girl Meets Dirt. B actually tried new food and didn't whine and complain the whole time.

23. This time Kurt looked for during the week to show the kids his Nintendo Switch. He also took the time before leaving to see if there was a game that he and Ben could play together. 

Fun

20. The kids and I escaped the house each day and explored the island. Though I felt some pressure and anxiety at times to keep things smooth and quiet while parents worked, I tried to keep the week full of new experiences.

             

 Bakery and playground.

 First time in a hammock right next to nature. 

21. This was by far the best thing we did while on the island. We toured a farm and the kids got to actually partake in farm work. I think the reason I loved this so much was because being away from town and coffee shops with just animals and room to run made me think of home. 

Orcas Island

20. Last week Kurt and I went with the family to Orcas Island for spring break. Just this beautiful place alone is something to be so thankful for.

Friendship

19. I've struggled a bit lately with a friendship. Through that struggle it's became more and more clear that Kurt is a great friend (and super funny).

Minecraft

18. Weeks ago B put this Minecraft book on hold at his school library. It finally came in and instead of playing on the playground, he sat me down and told me all about it. It was impossible to not be excited with him. 

Warm Fuzzies

Both of these are about Kurt. 

16. Yesterday several of us went to Megan's to help set up the new baby bed and move her furniture around. I had to leave to go get my hair cut and when I came back I found out that Kurt had spent the afternoon outside with Marley. He said they played on the swings and the trampoline and she ordered him about, he followed her but mainly, he gave her the opportunity to play outside. 

I think there is always this romantic idea of men taking care of kids. And I get it. But more than anything, knowing that Kurt took care of my family made me love him more. It's playing with Marley, building Oliver's baby bed and helping Megan do housework that give me the warm fuzzies. I find his desire to know more about kids and how to take care of them so endearing. 

17. This one is about the hair cut. I took a bit of a risk and cut my bangs. I felt nervous, especially for Kurt's reaction. 

He continues to blow me away. 

He has made clear not only that he likes them, but that they look nice on me. I find compliments hard to accept, it's been a new development for me. It makes me sad that I can't see myself the way others see me. Hearing the compliments show me more than ever that I don't see good in myself. At first I wrote "Receiving the compliments..." but am I really receiving them? No. I'm only hearing them. I'm working to actually receive and accept his compliments, to try to see myself the way he does. 

Taken day of the bang cut. 

"Thing"

15. Kurt and I have decided that on Sunday's we'll make fried pickles.

I love the idea that we have a "thing." I love that he wants to have a one with me.

S-Town

14. S-Town

On Tuesday a new podcast came out called S-Town. The details of it don't really matter but I wanted to listen to it because it takes place in rural Alabama. Upon listening I found out it takes place in Bibb County... I binged listened with Moo and finished in one day. At the end I felt lost. I've spent the last 4 days struggling with the feelings that came up after listening. I looked up the subreddit for S-Town and found someone who perfectly captured my feelings. I want to share them here.

"Lived my whole life in the Deep South, though I live abroad now. The accents, the colloquialisms, the "fuck it" attitude coupled immediately with the super secretive eyebrow-waggling, I-can't-say-it-out-loud attitude, the oppression, the unfairness, the enigma of coupling abusive child-molesting fathers in the same category as not being able to buy a beer with the expired license, the drawls and the brawls and down-low meetings of men with "sugar in their tank" at rest-stops on lonely forested highways, the uncle with a bullet in his head that echoes everything said, the bending and breaking of rules, the camaraderie between police and low-lifes, the stray dogs, the ones who dump stray dogs, the ones who save stray dogs, the grandmas taking care of generations of family sleeping in their living rooms, the teenage pregnancies, the assumptions of others and defense of your own blatant sins, the baptist message at an atheist's funeral... I honestly don't think a more vivid and perfectly realistic picture of the rural Deep South could ever be painted. What an enigma and mystery this land is.

For the first time in a long time, I pined for Mississippi. For the land of contradiction. The most segregated *and* integrated place in America. The religious and the heathen cavort together in the same skin countless times between Sunday morning church and Wednesday night service. The ignorance and the brilliance, the coldness and the warmth, the suspicion and the welcome, intersecting like Highway 49 and Highway 61, where you can sell your soul to Satan in the shadow of a dozen churches.

Man, this podcast got in my bones. It devastated and amused and befuddled and extrapolated.

I have never felt so certain of my home and so repulsed by it. I have never felt as lost or as found. The decaying, decrepit Shit Towns of the South may be fading away, but they burn as vivid as they ever have.

I can't say enough about how this made me feel. Perfect, confusing, disturbing, authentic, and complex look at life in the rural Deep South.

I hate it with all my heart and love it with all my heart, all at the same time."

I wanted to add this to this list of things I'm thankful for because it reminded me to be thankful for and see value in where I come from.

Spring

13. Spring is here.
More sunshine, more time outside and way more flowers.

 B at baseball practice.

N.

One of my favorite bush/trees. I should learn the name. 

Eating dinner outside even though it was a little blustery. 

B

The last week with the kids has been hard. After 3 weeks of extra evenings and nights, I felt exhausted. I also feel like I'd hit a wall with how to "parent" B. He doesn't listen, has a bad attitude, lashes out, and demands constantly. There are times when we're together that I feel such love for him and I find his quick smile and sweet spirit so endearing. But more often than not, I'm annoyed with his questions, his incessant talk, and constant bossing. So annoyed that I miss the sweet moments with him. Like Saturday when we went to the hot tub while N napped. It was only like 10 minutes but we had good conversation and I guess allowed me to just look at him.

12.  This is just a moment from when I stepped out to make sure N was still asleep.

I love B so much and the last thing I want to do is crush him with expectation. I want to see him grow to be a good self-starter, I want him to learn to listen without having to be preached out all day and more than anything, I don't want to find his voice and presence annoying because I have put the weight on myself to MAKE him do things.
That Saturday morning I opened my hand a little.
There were a couple of times I still had to walk away just to make sure that I was still be loving and calm but I laid out the expectations that I had, made them clear and left him alone. What I found was him sitting at the table eating snack, just like I wanted him to do. I spent those 5 minutes he was in his room pouting and being mad worried that he would hold out and not come eat, but he did. I realize that as I begin to be better with him, he will begin to be better for me. There are lots of hard times ahead, I have already convinced myself that with this new way there will be more crying and yelling until he realizes what he needs to do and how to do it. I keep telling myself "love him" and that's my goal this week.
Hug him more.
Talk to him more.
Listen to him more.

Forms of love

11. Sunday I went to the Sounders game with Kurt. He knows that sports aren't my thing but he still asks me to go, gives me an out if I need it, and then tells me that he's happy it's me that he's there with.
I always say yes. Not because I have to, but because I really want to.

Sunshine is so rare in Seattle we left the house completely unprepared and spent the game fearing a burn. 

12. After the game I made fried pickles. I felt a lot nervous to make them because they're one of Kurt's favorite things. Seemed daunting and something to be easily disappointed in. But, I took my time and he said they were great. **Side note: I love that little plate**

I think the one thing I am consistently shocked about when it comes to this relationship is how much I want to make him happy. There is this fear in me that I am the only one working but over and over again, he does something that reminds me that that couldn't be further from the truth. 

**Note to future Melissa: always check your journal**

Gifts

10. For Christmas the Hawley's gave me tickets to listen to the two producers of the Serial podcast last night. So good.
Kurt went with me and we challenged ourselves to get out of our comfort zones which he did and I sat and listened.

Holiday sweets

 9. I'm learning that more and more I enjoy sharing little moments with them. St. Patrick's Day at Krispy Kreme.

Surprises

This post is one week late. 

7. Sometimes I'm surprised we share the same blood. 

8. Emily, Megan and I successfully made deviled eggs. On the second try. 

So proud!

6. Today Kurt got his acceptance letter to UW's Entrepreneurship program. Out of all the applicants, his cohort will be a small group of just 20-25. I'm so so proud of him. I can't help but think that whether he takes this path or not, this is a huge accomplishment and worth celebrating.

Kurt

I'm finding in moments of Kurt's kindness a desire to cry. I thought it was because I was overwhelmed by his goodness to me but today I felt it differently. I still see how good and thoughtful he is but my desire to cry came from feeling like I didn't deserve him and his love. I think there is a part of me that knows that to be a lie but something whispers in just the right way to make me doubt myself.
I'm not foolish enough to believe that I deserve anything but my goal with Kurt is to daily love him the way I want to be loved, with affection, kindness and thoughtfulness. I've also hidden 12 Reese peanut butter eggs in his stuff and I'm just waiting for him to find them. As he does, I will add more to different areas so he's constantly finding them. Speaking his love language.

Miracles

5. Quiet.
The kids are in the bathtub and not screaming or fighting.

I'm the lucky one.

3. Yesterday Kurt said some of the kindest things that have ever been said to me. It's hard to imagine not remembering those words but sometimes I focus so much on the fear of potential hurt and absence that I forget to find joy in the tiny moments he gives me. The exact words are a little too personal (check your journal, future Melissa!) but he is such a good man.

4. Today as I was doing laundry I found some of Kurt's stuff and it made me smile. I'm guessing that one day I won't feel so thankful and happy while doing his laundry. Almost 6 months in, I still am.

2. Appreciated

2. Today Danielle sent me this text. Her words always mean a lot to me. Another reminder of how lucky I am to be in this family. Even on days when I'm tired and it's hard.

For me.

I've neglected this blog for 2 years.

I realize that I'm the only person checking it and I'm ok with that. It feels therapeutic to "share my life." I've found myself so frustrated and very much disillusioned with Facebook and Instagram. Maybe frustrated because I don't feel like I'm getting as many likes as I think my post deserves. It's silly to be looking for worth in a world that I've spent too much time just faking a picture for. My life isn't perfect or easy but it's also not terrible or overly hard. It's quiet but busy, loving but overwhelming. How do you share that? How do you find beauty when more often you see the burdens as bigger? Now more than ever I want to stop and experience those simple moments that cause happiness or even sadness. I want to live lovingly and not behind a facade.

I guess all in all, I want to celebrate the little things but don't want to post them on social media and seek the love and affirmation of others. This space is created for me. For me to look back and see how beautiful this life I live is.
I begin to name again.

1. New books.
I started Little Men today and I'm already smitten.