While talking though, she asked me, "what do you think about dating?" I tried to make light of the question but it struck so deeply. I felt myself having to fight tears and work to keep my voice and tone normal, keep my eyes averted away from her face, and shut down feeling. It's been something that's come up in my thoughts and prayers lately a lot. But talking about it out loud, I felt bitter and angry.
I've found myself afraid of dating and marriage lately. Like, really afraid. There are too many variables in marriage. You CANNOT control this person and yet what they do directly affects you. They can do whatever they want. You can love, wait, pray, hope, share and they may withhold, look elsewhere, find hope in other things, etc. Again, I see too many variables. BUT. I find in myself a huge desire to experience that exact thing. I want to love someone. I want to give myself to them completely, share everything with them, begin a life with them, put hope in them, pray for them, and be thankful for them.
Why?
The answer is that I see it as a completion of myself. I've struggled lately with self-worth (which is part of the reason I started this blog). I see very little that endears me to my own self and so I don't know what could make me endearing to others. I'm "waiting" on this man I'm supposed to marry and yet 28 years have gone by and he's not shown up. So, I question, is this really worth waiting for? I'm not worth waiting for, so why wait myself. It's found its way into every aspect of my life, too.
My best friend came to visit in July and when he left it was really hard. We had a great visit, 10 whole days of just hanging out. Lots of time in the car talking and laughing and seeing beautiful Washington.
But he left.
I've always struggled with our friendship and talked to several people about it. I've never understood why he wanted to be my friend and after he left this time, I questioned it more than ever. He is an amazing writer and in his last year of school, embarking on the start of a writing career. He is smart and funny and hardworking. And he has this really amazing network of people in Alabama who are also great writers, funny, beautiful, charming, smart and they really love him. I don't know how I fit into his life being so far away. I look at him as one of the most interesting things about myself and so I wonder, if I am this way with a man who looks at me as just a mere friend, I cannot imagine the place that I will put someone who actually loves me and wants to spend time with me. I don't want the best, most interesting thing about myself to be someone else.
I told Lonnie all of this with a broken voice and teary eyes.
As I'm sitting in fear that makes me depressed and lonely, sad, overwhelmed, and lost, I keep wondering if maybe the Lord forgot me. Thats a stupid, selfish thing to think. But I keep hearing that I deserve something great, to be happy. And yet, no one is asking me out. No one is showing interest. And so I cry. And I allow myself to wallow, getting deeper into this lie that its all about me.
I was able to finish this topic with Lonnie last night by remembering that only the Lord makes whole. I told her my answer-I think when the Lord is the most important thing in my life, dating can happen. Until then, I search for Jesus. The arms of a man are warm and it would make me happy to find some that fit nicely, but I want to be a whole girl throughout it. It may be a while before I'm totally fine with my singleness and have really accepted it. But meanwhile, I will continue to seek that fulfillment in Jesus. Asking daily to be filled with His truth. This wasn't the easiest post to write for me, (Casey is following me now and so I know at least one person I know will read it) but its kinda nice to get off my chest some of those fears.
*Also, on a side note, I just went to the bathroom earlier and put on lipstick. It's 12:50am, and I'm sitting in a completely black room with bright red lipstick on. It's not even mine.
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