I am a grown woman

Since high school I have been a bridesmaid in 7 weddings and the maid of honor in my sister's wedding. Though no one ever said it, there was very much the 'always-a-bridesmaid' feel to my life. But I was weirdly not upset about being in the weddings. I was genuinely happy for my friends, honored that they wanted me to stand with them on their day, and thankful for them. I wasn't envious of any of their particular situations. Of course, I would love to be married, I feel a strong desire for it but during those times, there was no pettiness. I am thankful that I was able to separate my desire and lack of marriage and their beautiful white dresses and not wallow or stand in jealousy. Which brings me to this last weekend.
I keep finding in myself the desire to be with someone. Just be with them. Have them talk to me, ride in a car with me, eat with me, watch movies, make dinner, run errands, just be quiet with me. I want their presence.This is weird for me because I have always spent time alone and done things alone and been totally fine with it. But this is all new. And I don't necessarily mean a partner someone. Richard and I have taken so many road trips together just the two of us as friends. I remember once going to Birmingham together (only a 2 hour drive) and on the way back he read out loud. We've been to Southern Oregon, Rainier, to the Pacific, on islands and even to Canada without any weirdness. He's such a good travel partner. I know him so well now, it's so easy to be with him. I know the food he will like, can predict what he might be wanting to do next, I can see when he really loves something or when he's ready to be done. And we can be silent together. It's so comfortable. But he lives in Alabama.
Here, in Seattle, I had some terrific friends who love adventures and over the last 3 years we have gone on some amazing ones. Kari, Lonnie, and I went to Hawaii once. A large group of us went to Vancouver and did some tubing. We took Conner with us to Vancouver for his first Canada experience. Took a goodbye tour to Oregon and made spontaneous visits to Portland. But as all the really close friends moved away over the last 6 months, I'm feeling the depth of the loss.
And while thinking of that loss this past week/weekend, I realize that without being married or having a friend to go with you, there is no travel. I sat stunned. It was another area of my life that was held back because I wasn't married. I became slightly depressed, weighted with the idea that I wasn't whole. It honestly broke me in a way I wasn't expecting.
So, I began to mourn. Not in a healthy way, though. I wallowed, felt bad for myself, got angry at the Lord, found justification for the forgotten feeling and cried.
One night I was looking up some travel blogs to follow, just out of curiosity because all my travel plans died with my plans to be married and I came across a link for The Top 25 Female Travel Bloggers to Follow in 2015 and found this entire world of women who are traveling alone. They are refusing to let marriage and truthfully, fear and awkwardness hold them back. Again, I sat stunned. I began to read and get encouraged.
And I heard truth.
I was the one who was making me feel like I couldn't do anything because I was a woman and I was unmarried. I was the one who was thinking and making myself believe that I was incomplete because there was no spouse. I was the one thinking that life started at marriage. It was only me holding myself back.
Why should I have to wait for friends to say yes or save money or ask off work? I'm not saying that I don't want to travel with my friends anymore, I totally do, I would probably prefer it but I don't want to be held back because of it. It's not an excuse anymore.
I am a grown woman.
What is the root of not wanting to travel alone? Fear? Safety? Awkwardness?
Yes to all.
It probably is at times scary to travel alone. You're vulnerable in a place you don't know and you don't know anyone. But Seattle is scary sometimes too. And safety, when am I ever guaranteed safety? Anything can happen anywhere and yet I still drive my car, and go to stores at night, and walk alone. I can't live in a bubble.
The awkwardness is probably the thing that makes me the most hesitant. How do you go into a restaurant and eat alone? What if you want to get a drink? (Do women go to bars alone??) Or go on a tour? Or just anything that's normally done with multiple people?
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
I found a blog called A Dangerous Business that had a post called 5 Reasons Solo Traveling Sucks. And there I found it, once again, I am not alone. There are brave women who have done it all and write about it so I can learn.
So, I will travel this year. I will make the most of my weekends when I am off and free and I will explore this beautiful Pacific Northwest that I am so thankful to call HOME. I'll start small and I'll write about every aspect. I want to live this life well and not be held back because I'm not content in my singleness. Looking for that contentment in a man or a friend will only result in heartbreak and ended friendships because my expectations were unrealistic. I will seek that fulfillment and contentment in Christ and let Him do the guiding.
Already, I'm so excited and so nervous.

Catching Up- Part III

Friends

I was lucky enough to get to spend lots of time with friends while in Alabama. Kari had recently moved back, Halie, too, after being in Seattle for the Summer, and Lonnie was in Birmingham with her family for the Christmas holiday. With so many Seattleites being in Alabama at one time we felt we had to get together. We met in Birmingham for dinner. It was perfect.

I love these girlies so much. I feel so weird as I type and remember this time. I lament often about not having friends anymore, but right now I feel so thankful to have had these 3 as such good friends for so long. Distance will not make the friendships disappear, just change them. 

Left to right:

Lonnie, Halie, me and Kari

So, after 2 weeks home with my family, I ventured to Auburn to spend some time with those old friends. It was a bittersweet time. There is always a feeling of "going home" but always the shock of how much things have changed and the sadness that life has gone on without you just fine. 

This was New Years Eve, the day I got into town. I really miss this boy. 
Richard has over the last couple of years taught Pugsley to be a shoulder cat. 

New Years was good, drama filled, of course. I regret that I was part of that drama. Often when I leave I feel that its time to be done there. With the possibility of Megan and Suman moving to Washington at the end of this summer this may have been my last time in Auburn for New Years. I didn't realize it until after, which is probably a good thing. Just makes me wish that I had been better with my time there. 
I am so angry with myself for not taking more pictures with other people that night. But it's always nice when the phone isn't the biggest concern. 

On New Years, I met Richard's friend, Nick. I forced my friendship upon him. 

Last Christmas, for whatever reason, Richard, Kristi, and I shaved our heads. Richard at the time had a haircut that made it ok, Kristi and I didn't. Here are the two shaved areas after a year of growth. 

This is probably the first picture of me and Richard that I truly love. We never manage to take good pictures together. 

Pugsley loved me anytime I was under this green blanket. With not having a cat around anymore, I was not mad about the attention. 

On our last full day together, Richard and I got tattoos. Mine, top tattoo, is a Long Leaf Pine, the state tree of Alabama (this summer while Richard was in Seattle, I got a Western Hemlock on my other wrist, which is the state tree of Washington). Richard chose, "As if" from his favorite poem 'Corydon and Alexis, Redux' by D.A. Powell. The last lines of the poem are, 
"as if banishing love is a fix. as if the stars go out when we shut our sleepy eyes."

Last morning in Alabama. I let Richard hold my blanket as I took a shower. He loved it. 

With any visit back to Alabama there is a huge sense of loss when I get back here. The first day back is so hard. There, I was constantly surrounded by people, going places, planning things, talking. And my first day back I spent it with an 8 month old. It was quiet (which is nice in its own way) but different. As anxious as I was to be back in my place, I'm always surprised at how hard it is also. 

Catching Up-Part II

Home for the Holidays

Luckily for me, all of my flights went exactly as planned. Made it to the airport on the correct day, at the right time and had a seat. I had a layover in Dallas and so I was slightly nervous going there as it has recently been a sticky place for me but I passed through really easily and slept the entire flight from Dallas to Atlanta.
Megan, Suman, and Marley picked me up from the airport and once again, it was such a joy to see that sweet face there to get me.

Megan had to finish up her time at work right after I got into town so I was able to go to Troy and hang out with this girl for 3 days. Thankfully, I spent 2 whole days with her and Moo so by Monday she was ok to be with me and not too sad. She is so sweet and cute. 

This face is just too much for me. I pretty much only see Suman but that little half smile is a baby Moo. She was super smiley in Moo's arms as we played Phase 10 on Christmas night. 

We took a quick trip to Florida for the weekend to see some family.

Second Cousins.

Left-Pearce and Beck (no idea which is which)

Right- Nash and Marley

This is the first time I had ever met Nash and the second to be around Pearce and Beck (the last time was 3 years ago). It was good to see Jessica's kids and Jessica after so long.

Grandparents

This was the first time my mom's family met Marley. 

Megan, Grandma with Marley, and Momma

Megan, Alta with Marley, Grandpa, and Momma

Marley did really well with all the new people and it was nice to see my grandparents after more than 3 years. 

Catching Up-Part I

The past several months have flown by in a blur. I can't believe that it's already a new year and halfway through January.

Here are some highlights over the last 3 1/2 months.

November:
The two families that I nanny for took long trips for Thanksgiving so it allowed me that chance to go home, see my family, and meet my niece.  Here is the first picture we ever took together. 

This first meeting was actually really great. She let me hold her and talk to her but the majority of our relationship is more like the next picture. Megan says that she only wants me as a "Sugar Momma" but doesn't want the quality time. Over the next couple of days she warmed up to me a little. 

After her bath. Even though I warmed her towel in front of a heater so she would be all toasty after leaving the warm bath water she still cried at me. 

For the first time in 3 years, I was able to go pick out a Christmas tree with the family. I love this picture. This was the tree the the little Chaudhari family chose. 

I headed back to Washington the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It was such a good time there with everyone. A little too quick but was easy to leave knowing that in just 20 days I would be heading back for a longer Christmas break. 

December:

In December B and I celebrated 3 years as nanny and kid. Holy Cow. I cannot believe that 3 years have passed. This kid is so incredibly witty, funny, smart, sweet, and kind. I am daily amazed at the words that come out of his mouth, the things he asks and the things he overhears and remembers. I feel like I spend so much time being a little frustrated by the million questions that he asks or his rambunctious nature that I miss sweet moments with him.

I live in the basement bedroom at his house and have noticed over the last months a different friendship has begun. When I am off work our relationship is different. He's been following me downstairs, sitting on my bed and just spending time with me. I struggle with it a little. Sometimes I do just want the quiet but the majority of the time I'm sensitive to this being Danielle and Steve's time with Ben. I don't want to take that time from them. But I'm striving to cherish those moments of quality time that are unexpected. 

I am so proud of the boy that he is and super thankful to be a part of his life. It really has been the best. 

Me and B. 

December 19th marked as especially sad day for E and I (though this picture was taken about a week before that in a moment of my sadness). This was the last day we would be together for the whole day. When the new year rolled around and the holidays were over, this chick would be starting school. Luckily, I get to pick her up 3 days a week so there is still some quality time and she can't forget me. It's just not the same. So many changes. 

On December 14th, this girlie turned 3 months. Absolutely unbelievable. 

Our work holiday party was this day and so E came all dressed up. Of course, N had to get her tutu out and get ready to party also. Sweet girls.