3 Years

Monday I celebrated 3 years in Seattle. The time has flown by, it hardly seems like 3 years. I deliberately didn't write a post then, wanting to stay off Instagram and my blog. I'm struggling with living in the moment, so I put it all away. 

Kari is in a different country, Lonnie is road tripping with Halie, so it was just me and Dan. It was also Labor Day so we took a quick trip to Snoqualmie Falls. I've never been before and it was beautiful. 

It's one of those places that photos fail to do justice. 

The trip was good for me if for no other reason but to drive out of the city and see the mountains and hills, trees and sky. 

Hopefully there will be many more years here. 

The Weekend

Day 3

Dear Diet Diary,

How do you keep a diet on the weekend? I ask that question in total seriousness. With work there's a schedule. I know when my chance to eat will be and there is less chance that I'll have bad snacks because I'm not at my own house with my own junk food. But here, at my house, all I want to do is eat! I want the perogies and ice cream in the freezer and the cookies in the cabinet, I want the coke that's sitting on the counter and the chocolate on the shelf. And Cheez-Its. I want all the Cheez-Its...I need to stop.

To get serious for a minute, dieting is hard. I know that anyone reading this already knows that but to really have to fight the cravings is tough and I find myself thinking that I have plenty of time to lose and I can afford to be a slacker one day. I think more than the physical challenge, losing weight is a mental challenge. It's all about fighting my brain and how it's telling me that I need those snacks, those fries, the candy, the meatball, the bite of pasta or just a piece of a cookie. I'm making light of it but its a weird feeling.  I feel bad about wanting to eat because there's this huge feeling now of being fat and wanting to eat what I want makes me feel terrible. And hearing people talk about their own weight loss journey or journey to being healthier also makes me a little sad. Its a reminder that I am too lackadaisical and makes me think this is just another thing to fail at (though, there is literally no room for failure in that dress).

I'm sorry I'm so whiny.

All that to say, this weekend has not been good for any weight loss. I won't go into the details of what I ate because nothing was good. Well, it was all good. It was amazing, but not the right choices on a diet. I did eat well this morning and have kept drinking water, which I was proud of. But meet the ruiner of all diets...

Olive Garden. I ate maybe 5 bites of this because of the bread and salad and cheese dip that I ate first. Shame. 

SIDE NOTE:

All this weekend festivities are not a normal thing. Halie has been visiting this summer and is leaving tomorrow to go back to Alabama. We've had a mini goodbye tour. 

Sabotage

Day 2

Dear Diet Diary, 

This day.... 

Breakfast:

• Plain oatmeal with honey: I got up late but decided to eat this while still at home. This was a mistake. As I said yesterday, I don't do so well eating really early in the morning. I bought plain, original oatmeal to save the calories and sugar intake and thought I could spice it up with some local honey. It wasn't good. I ended up force feeding myself. This is probably not what you're supposed to do. And the saddest part-I know that I will eat it again tomorrow. 
• Banana: today was the best day for this banana. Not too green, not squishy yet. Just perfect.SKINNY mocha: Once again I paid for the steamed water. It still tasted bad and I still sipped slowly, listening to everyone order their drinks with the fat. I was jealous and judgmental at the same time. I hate this skinny mocha. 

When I walked into the Hawley's home they were having a breakfast like I've never seen before. Sausage, bacon, waffles with huckleberry syrup, eggs, whole milk, and coffee. They hate me. They were like, "look at all this good we have left!...Oh I'm so full...Goodness, this was good..." I dreamed of what it would be like to flip the table. Alas, it's too heavy though. 

Ben's grandmother began cleaning the table and so I sat down, comfortable now that the food was leaving. However, this was left sitting in front of me. 

A plate of sausage. I now know they are trying to sabotage me. 

Lunch:

• 1 cup Honey Nut Cheerios with half a cup 1% milk. I still have no idea if this is a good diet food. My stomach still says no. Ben used his own spoon to eat my cereal during lunch. He had sweet potato tater tots, a meatball and Mac-n-cheese. A feast. It took everything in me not to knock him off his chair. 
• 1 cup of carrots with 2 Tbsp of hummus. 

As we are lunch Ben asked if we could go to Barnes & Noble after nap to get dessert. He reminded me, "Sissa, you can get a cheesecake." Yes, Ben, thank you for the reminder that I can't eat cheesecake right now when that's all I want to do. Sabotage from a 3 year old. 
But because that guy has totally got me, I agreed to take him to Barnes & Noble and he ate his shortbread cookies and drank his apple juice, I just sat and stared. It was a sweet time of conversation until I looked down and read this:

Why do they hate me? Of course I want to take advantage of this deal, B&N. And this dark chocolate raspberry is exactly what I want!! Just like you wanted all your bake cases busted. How do you like glass all over the floor after I threw a chair through? Not so fun, huh. Sabotage.
After Ben and I returned for B&N, his grandmother was on the phone asking her boyfriend if he was going to eat Spaghetti. I'm so glad that I ate such a good filling lunch because the mention of something like spaghetti could really make me sad if I hadn't. The cereal and carrots really hit the spot.
Said no one ever. Well done, Taytah. Sabotage.


Dinner:

• Japonessa. Japonessa is an amazing sushi restuarant downtown and we hit Happy Hour tonight as to say goodbye to Halie who heads back to Alabama on Sunday morning. I definitely cheated on this diet. Lets just leave it at that.  I allowed myself a glass of wine with dinner and had lots of stuff that I shouldn't. But Halie is leaving for Alabama on Sunday...how could I not eat myself into a mild depression on this night. 

Snacks:

• Apple. It makes me livid to think of the amount of mealy apples I've eaten this week. LIVID. Am I incapable of choosing a good apple?! I'm sure its Thriftway, they did this to me on purpose. Once again, sabotage. 
• Carrots, again. I actually forgot to take an afternoon snack so I had to snack on carrots again. Its time to make a grocery run. 

Drinks:

• Water. Today I managed to drink 3 full water bottles.  I have no idea how many ounces that is, I should figure it out. And I had 2 glasses of water with dinner so hopefully I am on the right track. 
• Glass of red wine at Japonessa. 
• Rum and Coke at The Little Red Hen. This is the exact type of drink that I was told to stay away from but I got it anyway. SHAME. It was crazy sweet and I wasn't really in the mood for it. Kind of a waste of calories. 

Well, I guess that's it. It's crazy late here and I feel myself getting delirious. 

So, 6 weeks and 2 days...

Dear Diet Diary

DAY 1

Kari told me this morning that it may be helpful in this weight loss journey to keep a food journal. I'm so excited about it. I think this journal (blog) will be good not just for my physical health but also for my mindset as I do without all the foods and drinks that I love.
Like, coke (meaning any carbonated beverage-I'm southern, remember), whole milk in my mocha, or half & half in drip, and beer, cocktails. And white rice. White rice in my Chipotle bowl, white rice with my pumpkin curry, white rice with my butter chicken, butter naan (I could sob right now), chicken salad sandwiches, ranch dressing, fries, fried chicken fingers, just anything and everything fried. Ice cream, cupcakes (frosting...), yogurt, chips, doughnuts, pasta, bagels, sour cream...

Too many.
I guess truthfully it's not about cutting them out, it's about moderation, having some self-control when I do eat them. So, yeah, just completely cutting them out. 

Here's what my day has looked like so far:

Breakfast:(this is my hardest eating time. I'm not hungry when I first wake up and tend to feel sick if I eat really early. When I hungry, about 1 to 2 hours later, I'm at work and it's harder to fix breakfast.)

• Banana 
• 12oz SKINNY mocha. This one actually makes me want to weep. Yesterday when I ordered it, the barista spilled it all over his hands because the milk is practically water. I let them steam water for me and then I pay for it. Pay $4.54 for it. And I sit and read and try to pretend like life is good and I love the cup of coffee that I'm not sipping. 

Lunch: 

• 1 cup of Honey Nut Cheerios with 1/2 cup 1% milk. I literally couldn't make myself buy the skim. I can get water from the tap for free.
• 2 eggs. Have I said that I have no idea what I'm doing on this diet. No idea. 
• 1Tbsp hummus with a cup of carrots. I mean, is this too much for lunch while dieting? My stomach doesn't think so but my stomach is the thing that got me into this mess. 

Dinner: 

• Half of a Chipotle bowl-I had black beans, chicken, mild salsa, cheese, guacamole, and lettuce. And I pushed over the drink machine as I walked out because I was so pissed about not getting to get a coke and bag of chips. Not really, though. Goodness, I wish I had done that. (I ate the other half of this bowl the night before)

Snacks:

• Apple. IT WAS F-ING MEALY!! What a waste of a snack! I almost took it back to Thriftway and threw it through their window. AHHHHHH!
• 1 cup of grapes. Red grapes, of course, and these did not disappoint. But goodness, 1 cup is a tease. Calm down, stomach, calm down. 
• 1 bite of chocolate, chocolate chip ice cream. I walked into the living room with the pint and declared to Dan and Lonnie that I would eat 5 bites and be done. Dan said, "Ok, yeah eat 5 bites, thats only like 300 calories." I fought but I think he may be right. 1/2 cup is 300 calories. So, I went back to the kitchen, opened the container, ate 1 bite and then put it away. I want to punch Dan right now. 

Drinks:

• Water. I can barely type because of all of the tears that are on the keyboard of my computer. I'm sure it will short circuit. But crying is good, right? Loosing water is loosing weight, right? 

And there's only 6 weeks and 3 days left. 

Bridesmaids Dress = Diet

My sweet friend Marjorie asked me to be in her wedding in October.  I love Marjorie and I'm so excited for her so, of course, I said yes. Being a bridesmaid is nothing new for me, this will be my 8th wedding. And so when she posted the details of the dress, I procrastinated, then had to pay a million more dollars to have it rushed to me.  Yesterday I came home and there was the package on my bed.  I tore it open, pulled the dress from the plastic and slipped it on.

And it will not zip.

 

Will not zip.

In the first picture I am holding the dress tight with my arms to make it look like it fits correctly. The second is, obviously, the problem. I clearly have no shame if I'm posting this for anyone/everyone to read. But in my defense, it will get much closer to closing than it looks in this picture, I just didn't have an army of people pulling the two sides together.

There is a high possibility that I gained weight. Because of the ordering, I don't have enough time to send it back for a new dress. The only solution to this problem is to diet. I mean, diet in a hard way too. There will be no room for cheat days. I have about 7 weeks to get 100 pounds off.

Thankfully, I have sweet friends who have committed to encouraging me and helping me.  I'm only drinking water throughout the day. However, I can't give up my morning Ladro time and coffee so, I've had to change my drink to a skinny mocha. Skinny. With skim milk. And I have to eat much better. I won't lie, I've needed to lose these pounds for a while but I've been lazy and lacked the motivation. Now that teeny tiny dress hanging where I can see it everyday is the best motivation I'll get.

So, here's to skinny mochas and fitting in my bridesmaids dress...

Friends

I'm all over the place with this new blog.

I found out the other day that my best friend was chosen as a finalist for The Southern Humanities Review poetry contest and will be published in an issue in the near future. I don't know as much about poetry as I should and I don't know much about poetry contests or the pressure but I do understand that this is not something small. This contest was nation-wide. Not just the state of Alabama or even Auburn University, but the ENTIRE country. Southern Humanities Review has featured some of the best poets of the last 50 years. Again, this isn't a little feat. 

I'm so proud of him. So proud. He's super talented and over the last year, his writing has grown and matured. He's found his "voice" and his tone and style are so beautiful. I'm jealous. He's working hard between a full-time job and a full-time school schedule and yet still challenging himself to write and pursue this goal. It's exciting to see that he's starting his career and his life.

Richard is a good friend besides being a great writer. He's loyal and kind. He's also one of the first people I want to share things with because he's quick to listen and super slow to pass judgment.

If you read my last post, you can now understand more as to why I feel like I'm too boring to be called his friend. I'm raving and gushing about him because I'm finding myself getting destructive. He's not a friend I want to lose but I find too often this desire to push back. Be mean. Make him angry so that he'll get mad, then just go ahead and be done with me. I start fights over the smallest things and I always wonder will he fight for my friendship? Does he care? Over and over in my head I hear loudly, "You aren't worth fighting for...you have nothing to offer...you are not interesting or important." I can easily say that these are lies but hearing the truth over them is next to impossible. I'm also being a martyr, owning the hateful words and wearing them, hiding behind them and possibly becoming them. 

I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to hurt people in order to feel validated. Forever ago I started reading Psalms and as I did, I kept up with God's promises, who the Word said that God was, and who the Word says I am. For some reason I stopped. I've learned lately that everything else will stay louder as long as I allow it. I want to hear truth and though I do have friends that constantly speak it to me, I need to hear it from the Lord. I also need to make things right with my friend. I apologize but I am sure that small tears are made with each fight and patience and love gets thinner and thinner. 

So, if anything is coming from these blog posts, its that I am typing myself to the truth that is already planted in my heart.  

Here's Richard. Now you know him. 

What do you think about dating?

My roommate, Lonnie, was out of town for a couple of weeks and so last night we got to go to dinner together and finally catch up. It was really good. There have been lots of changes in our house recently and so to sit and talk with her felt like home. It was really comfortable and made me realize just how much her friendship means to me right now. 

While talking though, she asked me, "what do you think about dating?" I tried to make light of the question but it struck so deeply. I felt myself having to fight tears and work to keep my voice and tone normal, keep my eyes averted away from her face, and shut down feeling. It's been something that's come up in my thoughts and prayers lately a lot. But talking about it out loud, I felt bitter and angry. 

I've found myself afraid of dating and marriage lately. Like, really afraid. There are too many variables in marriage. You CANNOT control this person and yet what they do directly affects you. They can do whatever they want. You can love, wait, pray, hope, share and they may withhold, look elsewhere, find hope in other things, etc. Again, I see too many variables. BUT. I find in myself a huge desire to experience that exact thing. I want to love someone. I want to give myself to them completely, share everything with them, begin a life with them, put hope in them, pray for them, and be thankful for them. 

Why? 

The answer is that I see it as a completion of myself. I've struggled lately with self-worth (which is part of the reason I started this blog). I see very little that endears me to my own self and so I don't know what could make me endearing to others. I'm "waiting" on this man I'm supposed to marry and yet 28 years have gone by and he's not shown up. So, I question, is this really worth waiting for? I'm not worth waiting for, so why wait myself. It's found its way into every aspect of my life, too. 

My best friend came to visit in July and when he left it was really hard. We had a great visit, 10 whole days of just hanging out. Lots of time in the car talking and laughing and seeing beautiful Washington. 

But he left. 

I've always struggled with our friendship and talked to several people about it. I've never understood why he wanted to be my friend and after he left this time, I questioned it more than ever. He is an amazing writer and in his last year of school, embarking on the start of a writing career. He is smart and funny and hardworking. And he has this really amazing network of people in Alabama who are also great writers, funny, beautiful, charming, smart and they really love him. I don't know how I fit into his life being so far away. I look at him as one of the most interesting things about myself and so I wonder, if I am this way with a man who looks at me as just a mere friend, I cannot imagine the place that I will put someone who actually loves me and wants to spend time with me. I don't want the best, most interesting thing about myself to be someone else. 

I told Lonnie all of this with a broken voice and teary eyes. 

As I'm sitting in fear that makes me depressed and lonely, sad, overwhelmed, and lost, I keep wondering if maybe the Lord forgot me. Thats a stupid, selfish thing to think. But I keep hearing that I deserve something great, to be happy. And yet, no one is asking me out. No one is showing interest. And so I cry. And I allow myself to wallow, getting deeper into this lie that its all about me. 

I was able to finish this topic with Lonnie last night by remembering that only the Lord makes whole.  I told her my answer-I think when the Lord is the most important thing in my life, dating can happen. Until then, I search for Jesus. The arms of a man are warm and it would make me happy to find some that fit nicely, but I want to be a whole girl throughout it. It may be a while before I'm totally fine with my singleness and have really accepted it. But meanwhile, I will continue to seek that fulfillment in Jesus. Asking daily to be filled with His truth. This wasn't the easiest post to write for me, (Casey is following me now and so I know at least one person I know will read it) but its kinda nice to get off my chest some of those fears.

*Also, on a side note, I just went to the bathroom earlier and put on lipstick. It's 12:50am, and I'm sitting in a completely black room with bright red lipstick on. It's not even mine. 

2 Years, 11 Months, 16 Days

I'm not exactly sure what I want out of this blog.  It seemed cheap to open a word document and start typing thoughts, feelings, struggles.  I should have my moleskin out to allow the release.  Lately, the pen has me feeling lost.  I feel like I barely find the strength and courage to start writing and when I do, the words are never right. I sound desperate (as I probably do here), sad, pathetically musing and whining over the same circumstances, over life.  It seems heavy and pressure laden. I'm sure the pen has expectations. So, I laid it down for now.

For the last 2 years, 11 months, 16 days I have lived in Seattle.  I moved here from Alabama. People often ask if it was culture shock. I say yes because I think that's what I'm supposed to say, but I've just drifted here, getting through the days. With the 3 year mark looming, I find myself sitting back, thinking and wondering if I've accomplished anything while here.

Have I made a difference (in ANY way)?
Have I truly blessed people?
Encouraged them?
Loved well?
Made the most of my time?
Have I allowed myself to be changed?
Stretched?
Built up?
Challenged?
Am I a better person?
When I ask those questions, even as I typed them, I didn't hear any yeses.  I heard loud, definite, resounding NO's.  If there was ever something to be certain about, it was that answer. But in hindsight I see so often that I am believing stupid lies about myself and others. Is this a lie?

So, I want to use this space to find the truth. To tell the stories of my life and figure out who I am. I don't want the answer to those questions to be no, I don't want to ever have to wonder. So often I see strong evidences of grace (as my pastors wife says) in the lives of others and so I will seek it in my own life.


"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." 
— C.S. Lewis