Let me back up though.
On Tuesday I got my box of goodies in the mail. I went through it, planned my food for the next day, did lots of reading and was fairly excited about it all. Until I realized, I was reading nothing about caffeine or coffee. So, I googled it and it took me to some message boards where others on the 30-day program were asking the same question. Over and over people said no. No coffee during this 30-days. I sat stunned. I wanted to cry. That sounds dramatic but it was the truth. I love my morning coffee and if you read my last several posts you'll see that I recently switched to skim milk and I'm still in mourning about that. But more than loving coffee, I need the caffeine in the morning. I can't remember the last day I went without coffee (well, before yesterday I can't). I need the boast. But even more than the love and the boost, I really enjoy my time of quiet reading in the coffee shop before work. I leave my house an hour and a half early just to beat traffic and have time to sit, drink my coffee and enjoy myself in peace. And now that was coming to an end.
So, I texted my friend to get some encouragement and it was laughed off, which really hurt my feelings. I wanted to hear "You can do this...Its not the end of the world, just 30 days without coffee...Think of the goal..." I don't know, anything positive pointing me forward, instead of the things that were already making me sad and making me want to turn and run back. Instead, I got, "Those people obviously hate you. Don't listen to them."
Let me be fair for a minute. I never really said just how sad, disappointed, depressed, and awful I was feeling about all this. I mean, to not be able to fit into a dress because you're too fat! I can make jokes and talk about it but, goodness, there is still some sensitive feelings, serious insecurities and thoughts on it. I never made those known to such an extent. And this is a lot about expectation (which is something I struggle with). I was expecting something but never told what I wanted. How in the world did I think they would just get it right? Also, I'm sure this was a light hearted response to my sadness. So, this is less their fault and far more mine. But remember, I am in a delicate state and none of that sense was going through my mind.
I waited a minute and then decided the best course of action was to lash out completely irrationally. I kinda blamed them for not being a good friend because not once in over a week had they asked me how any of it was going. I did feel hurt by this, and slightly still do. I don't know how to make people care and to be honest, I'm sure you can't make them. I wanted them to care though. To see that even though this seems small and insignificant in the big picture, it is huge today for me.
I got back "My bad for loving you as you are instead of trying to mash you into some bullshit ideal society finds acceptable." I was livid to say the least. And hurt. It took me a while to put any sense behind these words and when I did, it made me question why I am on this diet.
Why am I on this diet? I need to lose the weight to fit into the dress, yes. But I have felt insecure about my weight for a while. Kinda depressed and in lots of ways thinking "well, if I could lose the weight, then I could maybe get married..." That's serious pressure.
But why can't I be happy with who I am? I don't remember growing up being concerned with this image of my physical body. But out of nowhere, these thoughts of being ugly, fat, gross, unattractive, and disgusting have flooded my mind and heart. I mean, at times its all I hear. Why do I think that losing weight is the answer to any of my "life" problems? Why do I think that losing weight will make me a better person? More beautiful? More desirable? It was something I struggled with before the dress situation also, but as I tried to zip that stupid thing up, I knew then that there was truth behind them. But what kind of truth? Truth like, "it is true that the dress won't fit?" Or truth like, "see, you are fat and ugly. This dress is the proof."It's taken me a couple of days to really know and believe in my heart that the truth is just simply that the dress doesn't fit. I'm not saying I'm beautiful or attractive, anything but that dress not zipping is really only one truth.
It's all scary.
So, I'm still working through it all. Yes, I am still on the 30-day program. I will be for 28 more days and will continue some of it even after to help make sure the weight stays off until the wedding. But I think my motives have changed some in the way I think about weight loss.
Has it changed 100%? NO. I know that will take time and prayer.
And have the insecurities, voices telling me the harmful messages stopped? Also, no. I still hear them but I also know where they're coming from. Again, more prayer, lots more prayer involved.
And my friend...we talked some the next day but I still feel like there is a lack of caring there which is probably really cruel of me. And I know that's selfish, too. Again, expectations that are too much for anyone to live up to. Like I said earlier, it feels like such a private, embarrassing, personal struggle and so I want people behind me who I can comfortably talk to about it. I'm working it all out. And anxious to finish these 30 days and see how I've succeeded and what I learned.
Lots and lots of learning to do.
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