B

The last week with the kids has been hard. After 3 weeks of extra evenings and nights, I felt exhausted. I also feel like I'd hit a wall with how to "parent" B. He doesn't listen, has a bad attitude, lashes out, and demands constantly. There are times when we're together that I feel such love for him and I find his quick smile and sweet spirit so endearing. But more often than not, I'm annoyed with his questions, his incessant talk, and constant bossing. So annoyed that I miss the sweet moments with him. Like Saturday when we went to the hot tub while N napped. It was only like 10 minutes but we had good conversation and I guess allowed me to just look at him.

12.  This is just a moment from when I stepped out to make sure N was still asleep.

I love B so much and the last thing I want to do is crush him with expectation. I want to see him grow to be a good self-starter, I want him to learn to listen without having to be preached out all day and more than anything, I don't want to find his voice and presence annoying because I have put the weight on myself to MAKE him do things.
That Saturday morning I opened my hand a little.
There were a couple of times I still had to walk away just to make sure that I was still be loving and calm but I laid out the expectations that I had, made them clear and left him alone. What I found was him sitting at the table eating snack, just like I wanted him to do. I spent those 5 minutes he was in his room pouting and being mad worried that he would hold out and not come eat, but he did. I realize that as I begin to be better with him, he will begin to be better for me. There are lots of hard times ahead, I have already convinced myself that with this new way there will be more crying and yelling until he realizes what he needs to do and how to do it. I keep telling myself "love him" and that's my goal this week.
Hug him more.
Talk to him more.
Listen to him more.