Today I realized something about myself. I seem to make everything about me. I took something that a friend told me and managed to totally twist it into something about me. He was hurting, has been hurting. Making bad decisions over the last months and lamenting them, crying over them, and starting to hate himself. During that time I cried for him, prayed for him and began to worry about him a lot. Today the story with him was no different. But I was tired of hearing it. Tired of being sad, tired of worrying about him and mad. I learned that I had been lied to, mislead, and used. I was hurt. I was frustrated that he even allowed me to cry for him while knowing that he was lying to me.
Did you catch all the I's in that paragraph?
Eventually he pointed it out to me. His exact words were, "All I've heard from you is 'me' and 'I,' which is disappointing."
A slap in the face. I managed to turn the whole situation into something about me.
How I felt.
How I was used.
How I was hurt.
How I was done with it all.
My instinct was to run. To get away from the feeling. This little voice in my head whispered "What have you ever gotten from this friendship?" And right there I found justification. But at the same time, the little voice whispered "Who will ever choose you? This is your best friend and even he doesn't." And I found myself back to clinging to the friendship.
I could't pray. I was mad and hurt and these little thoughts were fanning that flame. Keeping me concentrated on the anger and allowing bitterness to grow.
And then Casey texted me this, "When our hearts are so heavily taxed that we feel we can no longer truly pray. God leads us back to him by telling us simply: pour out your heart, pour out your heart before me." And I began to hear truth. She also told me to read Psalm 62. Verse 2 and 8 say, "He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken...Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." More truth.
Reading the word allowed me to see that those little messages I was hearing were lies. I've known that this friendship isn't about what I'm getting. It shouldn't be about that. I was getting so caught up in anger over what I wasn't getting instead of thinking of what I could be giving. It's selfish. And not a reason to walk away from a friendship. I may spend the rest of my life alone. Single, maybe I will never go on another date. But I have been chosen. My friend's desire for something else should not be the thing that breaks me. I have put him into my number 1 spot. He and this friendship are on a pedestal. I've allowed him to be more important than the Lord. Sin.
Over the last 5.5 years I have fought and fought the Lord, absolutely refusing to give my friend and our friendship to Him. I was afraid that the Lord would take him from me. And then, here I am, making the choice to run from him. Can me opening my hands to the Lord, asking for His wisdom, guidance, His will, and having Him possibly take this boy from my life be worse than holding on with all my strength and eventually having to walk away because I can't handle this apart from the Lord?
I am still hurt by my friend. There are definitely trust issues now. I'm afraid of being hurt by him, not chosen by him, lied to. It makes me sad. But what I learned today or was reminded of today, was that the Lord loves without condition and he shows grace and mercy when we don't deserve it. There is nothing that is too big for Him, nothing and no one that is beyond His reach.
I have no idea if any of this made any sense. I know it was vague but I didn't want to air the dirty laundry of others. The point of the story is my sin.
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