I am a grown woman

Since high school I have been a bridesmaid in 7 weddings and the maid of honor in my sister's wedding. Though no one ever said it, there was very much the 'always-a-bridesmaid' feel to my life. But I was weirdly not upset about being in the weddings. I was genuinely happy for my friends, honored that they wanted me to stand with them on their day, and thankful for them. I wasn't envious of any of their particular situations. Of course, I would love to be married, I feel a strong desire for it but during those times, there was no pettiness. I am thankful that I was able to separate my desire and lack of marriage and their beautiful white dresses and not wallow or stand in jealousy. Which brings me to this last weekend.
I keep finding in myself the desire to be with someone. Just be with them. Have them talk to me, ride in a car with me, eat with me, watch movies, make dinner, run errands, just be quiet with me. I want their presence.This is weird for me because I have always spent time alone and done things alone and been totally fine with it. But this is all new. And I don't necessarily mean a partner someone. Richard and I have taken so many road trips together just the two of us as friends. I remember once going to Birmingham together (only a 2 hour drive) and on the way back he read out loud. We've been to Southern Oregon, Rainier, to the Pacific, on islands and even to Canada without any weirdness. He's such a good travel partner. I know him so well now, it's so easy to be with him. I know the food he will like, can predict what he might be wanting to do next, I can see when he really loves something or when he's ready to be done. And we can be silent together. It's so comfortable. But he lives in Alabama.
Here, in Seattle, I had some terrific friends who love adventures and over the last 3 years we have gone on some amazing ones. Kari, Lonnie, and I went to Hawaii once. A large group of us went to Vancouver and did some tubing. We took Conner with us to Vancouver for his first Canada experience. Took a goodbye tour to Oregon and made spontaneous visits to Portland. But as all the really close friends moved away over the last 6 months, I'm feeling the depth of the loss.
And while thinking of that loss this past week/weekend, I realize that without being married or having a friend to go with you, there is no travel. I sat stunned. It was another area of my life that was held back because I wasn't married. I became slightly depressed, weighted with the idea that I wasn't whole. It honestly broke me in a way I wasn't expecting.
So, I began to mourn. Not in a healthy way, though. I wallowed, felt bad for myself, got angry at the Lord, found justification for the forgotten feeling and cried.
One night I was looking up some travel blogs to follow, just out of curiosity because all my travel plans died with my plans to be married and I came across a link for The Top 25 Female Travel Bloggers to Follow in 2015 and found this entire world of women who are traveling alone. They are refusing to let marriage and truthfully, fear and awkwardness hold them back. Again, I sat stunned. I began to read and get encouraged.
And I heard truth.
I was the one who was making me feel like I couldn't do anything because I was a woman and I was unmarried. I was the one who was thinking and making myself believe that I was incomplete because there was no spouse. I was the one thinking that life started at marriage. It was only me holding myself back.
Why should I have to wait for friends to say yes or save money or ask off work? I'm not saying that I don't want to travel with my friends anymore, I totally do, I would probably prefer it but I don't want to be held back because of it. It's not an excuse anymore.
I am a grown woman.
What is the root of not wanting to travel alone? Fear? Safety? Awkwardness?
Yes to all.
It probably is at times scary to travel alone. You're vulnerable in a place you don't know and you don't know anyone. But Seattle is scary sometimes too. And safety, when am I ever guaranteed safety? Anything can happen anywhere and yet I still drive my car, and go to stores at night, and walk alone. I can't live in a bubble.
The awkwardness is probably the thing that makes me the most hesitant. How do you go into a restaurant and eat alone? What if you want to get a drink? (Do women go to bars alone??) Or go on a tour? Or just anything that's normally done with multiple people?
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
I found a blog called A Dangerous Business that had a post called 5 Reasons Solo Traveling Sucks. And there I found it, once again, I am not alone. There are brave women who have done it all and write about it so I can learn.
So, I will travel this year. I will make the most of my weekends when I am off and free and I will explore this beautiful Pacific Northwest that I am so thankful to call HOME. I'll start small and I'll write about every aspect. I want to live this life well and not be held back because I'm not content in my singleness. Looking for that contentment in a man or a friend will only result in heartbreak and ended friendships because my expectations were unrealistic. I will seek that fulfillment and contentment in Christ and let Him do the guiding.
Already, I'm so excited and so nervous.